I abused it, I hated it, I criticized it, I tried to make it shrink and look better by adorning it with slimming clothes. I took pride in it when it was satisfyingly "small" and felt insecure about it when it was not "small enough." I was not grateful for the body I was given.
And then one day, it did a miraculous thing.
One day, I found out a human was being built from two cells inside this body, the very one I had mistreated and criticized and abused. Instead of reaping what I had sown, I was given grace - the honor of being the vessel to another human life.
Perhaps I'm just hormonal, but I am moved to tears when I think about how I've been given so much more than I deserve. I thought I would just endure pregnancy, but instead I've been enthralled by what a truly delicate and loving and humbling process it is.
"What I didn't expect was that right from the beginning, the baby would occupy so much of my mind and spirit. I knew it would occupy my body, but I was surprised by how deeply it took root in my thoughts and prayers and dreams. I was never unaware of it. I never forgot about it, never woke up surprised by my big belly. It is much more an active thing than I thought, a thing to do, to care for, to think about. I thought it happened to you, and then at some point a baby came and that's when the life change began. But that's not the case at all."
~ Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines
Whatever happens from here, I know that this, my first pregnancy, has been a healing experience for me. And I could not be more grateful to be the recipient of that grace.