Just a perfect day.

We all have those days when you just want to go inside a closet and scream at the top of your lungs.  I've had several lately - my almost 4-year-old has been going through a big emotional change and has entered a new stage of ear-shattering tantrums. 

But this day we had recently...it was just one of those perfect days.  Everyone had great attitudes, there was an abundance of sunshine, and it was warm, but not too warm (dare I say, fallish?).  My moments were filled with work caring and providing for my family balanced with just "being."

It began with my morning drink, slightly revised for Whole30: hot Yerba maté, warmed coconut milk, 1 date, and unsweetened cocoa powder whipped in the blender until frothy.  I added a sprinkle with pumpkin pie spice on top. So yum. 

We then packed up the car, double stroller, and all the random thingamajigs that Luci Belle puts in her purse and headed to Klyde Warren Park in downtown Dallas - an unbelievably beautiful place that's part of the Arts District.  It's privately operated so it's always super clean and safe - there are even employees walking around and an outdoor library where you can grab books and games to read on-site and return.  It was a gorgeous morning, and we seemed to have the entire children's area to ourselves.  Klyde Warren really has made Dallas way cooler - it's the perfect city park.  Reminds me so much of Hudson River Park in TriBeCa, NYC.

Then, we headed across the street to the Dallas Museum of Art which is totally free now!  The "Center for Creative Connection" had all kinds of play/art activities for children.  We sifted through buckets of tissue paper, buttons, wire, and tape and made some paper flowers.

There was an interesting exhibit there created by mothers for mothers, asking the question below.  Tiny pieces of tile were available where you could write your answer with pencil and then place it on a scale on the "others" or "self" side, or right in the middle.  I placed mine in the middle as I thought about how to find more balance.

Seems fitting that we ended up spending the rest of our afternoon doing just that...we found a spot in the sun to rest, play, and soak up some Vitamin D.  No matter what our day looks like, it always goes better if we spend time outside.

By the way, my creative, adventurous Luci Belle had another wardrobe change - seems that happens about five times a day lately!

I can't be thankful enough that we have a small grassy area in our backyard now where we can sit and play.  It's surrounded by perennials that are friendly to bees and butterflies, like the pair of Monarchs that visits us several times a day.

This girl loves collecting flowers and reminding me the importance of being wild and free.  I learn a lot from her.

As we sat in the grass together with our toes touching, she surprised me by saying, "I'm just thinking of all the good things I get to do with you."  My heart welled up, because so many days I feel completely inadequate, but I'm glad she remembers the good things.

This little ray of sunshine just sat in the grass happily for awhile, discovering a leaf.  What joy she brings to our family!  I don't want this baby stage to go away.  I'm afraid of not appreciating it enough and it passing me by when I'm not looking. 

The evening was filled with all the ordinary every day things that I love - the smells of dinner cooking, the hum of the TV from the living room as my husband was finally home from work and cuddled up with the girls on the couch.  After they were in bed (at least for a little bit), I had some quiet time on the back deck under the twinkle lights with a hot cup of tea and was able to finally finish Love Does by Bob Goff.  My heart was so stirred by this book - I can't wait to share some thoughts...

Not all days feel this "perfect" ~ that's for sure.  But I'm thankful for those that peek through, full of life-giving moments to fuel me for the ones that are more challenging.  Now more than ever, I feel that this season of life can be so difficult but so very lovely. 

It's all in my perspective how the day will turn out, because we're guaranteed nothing.  "There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." (Albert Einstein)

This day, I chose everything.

Learning to say "no."

I hate missing out on stuff.  I've realized that I often say yes to something just so I won't miss out on it, rather than because that particular thing is right for me and my family in our current season.   When I am able to say no to certain things - even knowing it's the right decision -  I often feel a wave of regret afterwards. 

You tracking?  Yes, it's enough to drive my own self crazy. 

A few weeks ago, I made a very tough decision to say no to participating in Bible Study Fellowship this year.  With how much I love BSF, I really agonized over this decision.  At the end of the study of the book of Matthew in May, I had my doubts whether I would be able to return in the fall.  All summer I kept putting off having to make the decision.  Doing BSF the last two years has really brought the Word of God to life for me in a new way, and my group members and leaders have been wonderful.  Luci Belle has loved going to "Bible school" since she was 2, and Norah was born in the middle of the Matthew study this past January and welcomed with open arms and adoring looks by all the sweet ladies in my group. 

But still, I had this nagging feeling that I didn't feel at peace with enrolling all of us this year.  

There are several reasons that I don't need to describe in detail, but overall I felt that my family needs to come first.  This tough season of life with two little ones and homeschooling and a baby who doesn't take long naps...well, it was just too much to commit to BSF on top of that.  Also,  I was not ready to put Norah into childcare this young, even for just a few hours a week. 

It's never easy saying no to something that you enjoy, but still today, a few weeks later, I know it was the right decision. Sometimes we say no to something good to make room for something better...for the great things.  Sometimes you just have to say no - even to Bible studies or things that are "good."

So this fall and spring, we don't have anything big on our schedule - no big weekly commitment.  It's just everyday life here - changing diapers, playing pretend, making pancakes, cooking dinner, trips to the Farmstead, nursing and feeding my baby, homeschooling my 4-year-old, taking as many walks as possible so we can capture the autumn light.  And I'm tremendously happy with this.

One of my favorite authors, Shauna Niequist, is writing a new book called Present Over Perfect.  In her blog post describing it she says,

"This is life, this is family, this is the great beautiful brave spectacular adventure that is plain old everyday life, and it promises to remind you over and over that perfect is a myth, and that perfect breaks our backs and breaks our hearts."

Yes. Yes. A million times, yes.  I love "plain old everyday life," and here are some parts of life I'm saying "yes" to this fall:

• Being intentional about homeschooling Luci Belle.  We're doing the pre-K curriculum through Sonlight. I actually got tears in my eyes when I ordered it, because I felt so strongly that it's what's right for her and our family right now.  It's faith and literature-based with wonderful books that capture and celebrate the simplicity of childhood and the wonder of being 4-years-old.  So far, it's been so fun to read these books with her, see her learn, and have an Instructor's Guide that gives me structure so I don't go crazy planning our homeschool week at 11pm on a Sunday night. 
• Caring for myself.   I'm on a continual journey of self-care and because I tend to swing the pendulum way too far on the side of self-neglect-for-the-sake-of-others, I need to constantly be focusing on self-care.  Right now that means a) not going to bed too late, b) making time for short Pilates/yoga workouts and walks multiple times a week, c) eating and cooking healthy food (mostly sticking to whole30), d) making time to be alone with myself and with my husband.
• Simplifying our lives and home.  We spent the month of August focusing on this, consuming less, and eliminating screen time.  It was wonderful.  We also had a garage sale with some friends and donated a bunch more stuff.  Our lives feel lighter, and I want to continue this.
• Spending quality time with friends.  I crave being able to have a friend over for morning coffee and really hear and see her.    I'm sick of rushing through time with people so I can get other things done.

My mom gave me a desk calendar several months ago that I've barely looked at.  Today I randomly flipped it over and the page before me said,

"I realized that - as much as I wanted to - I couldn't run out the front door of my home, leaving it in a shambles, to go over to the church to do the work of ministry.  I came to understand that God has charged me with the stewardship of managing my home, and He uses this primary area of ministry to train me for managing other areas of ministry."

So for now, for this season, I say goodbye to another "good" thing on our to-do list.  My Bible study is going to have to look different for now - maybe it's not pages and pages of notes and in-depth study.  Maybe it looks more like reading a short passage through She Reads Truth and then journaling a few lines and saying a prayer.  Maybe it's having meaningful, engaged, undistracted moments with my 4-year-old, reading the Jesus Storybook Bible aloud to her on the couch with no time limit.  Maybe it's practicing the presence of God throughout my day, as I depend on Him to continue to make things new every morning.

What I see.

A few mornings ago, we went to one of our favorite local hiking places, the Cedar Ridge Preserve, and my friend Erin took this photo.  Norah was hamming it up all morning, while Luci Belle and her pal Lawson (Erin's daughter) skipped along the mulched trails together.  Right before we crossed over the familiar bridge on which we've photographed our children multiple times, Erin told me to stop and turn so she could take a photo of Norah in the backpack.   When I saw it, I realized it was probably the first full-body photo of myself postpartum where I thought, "I really like how I look."

Is it because I have the perfect hair, clothes, or makeup?  Absolutely not.

Is it because I've lost all my "baby weight"?  No, hardly.  I probably have 20+ pounds to go.

Is it because it was staged to make me look good in the moment?  No, I didn't even realize I was in the photo until later.

I like this photo because when I look at it, I see a strong woman. 

I see a mama who loves to carry her babies and tries to get them outdoors to soak in the sunshine and fresh air. 

I see a woman who is becoming stronger everyday. 

I see a woman who is continuing to find peace with her body through all its changes. 

Most of all, I see a sweet, happy, dependent baby who could care less what size her mother is - there's just love.

It's so easy to be hard on ourselves, especially after our bodies have done - and are doing - the most remarkable thing: growing, birthing, and caring for little ones.   But today, I feel a little more kindness towards myself.  And that's progress.

How I prepared for a homebirth VBAC.

It's been 7 months since Norah Jewell entered our lives.  Was it really just 7 months ago that I didn't yet know her peaceful personality and pillowy cheeks or the way her dark, wavy hair makes a swirl at the crown of her head?  Funny how it seems like pregnancy will never end, and then you move on so quickly to the next stage: raising your new, precious little person.

The birth of my first daughter, Luci Isabelle, didn't exactly go as planned.  After spending my entire first pregnancy preparing for a natural birth at a birth center, I ended up with a c-section after 36 hours of labor and never progressing past 5cm.  Throughout that experience, I learned a lot about fear and pain and surrender and know that in the end, it was all for a reason and she entered the world the way she was supposed to. 

But I still had this innate desire to birth a baby naturally. So when I became pregnant again, I knew I wanted to try for a VBAC (vaginal birth after c-section). 

From what I understand, VBACs were more popular before c-sections became so common here in the U.S. (30% of births nowadays!), and then as our c-section rate grew, it was generally understood that once you had a c-section, you always had to have one.  VBACs have had a resurgence in recent years as women have become more educated and are fighting for the births they desire.  VBACs have an overall success rate of 74%, which is pretty amazing. The more research I did, I saw that I didn't have any of the high risk factors and was a great candidate for a VBAC.  {This site has a lot of great stats and info on VBACs.} 

I also had an awesome midwife on my side - Kathleen Mayorga of Bella Births - who is a nurse practitioner with plenty of hospital experience and great track record of successful VBACs.  Kathleen is also the midwife who was with me during most of my labor with Luci Belle.  She fought alongside me for a natural birth but is the one who decided we finally needed to go to the hospital.  I completely trusted her expertise, especially since she'd been with me the first time and knew what had gone wrong.  She completely believed I could do a VBAC this time.

At first, I was pretty firm on wanting to do my VBAC at Kathleen's birth center.  Then after watching the documentary "More Business of Being Born" I decided that not just VBAC, but homebirth, was undoubtedly the best plan for me.   Kathleen said, "I've never done a VBAC at home that wasn't successful," and after seeing the documentary I understood why.  Your home is where you feel most comfortable.  If you're low-risk and have a highly experienced birth team and feel comfortable with it, you have an extremely good chance of having a successful VBAC at home.  We live 3 minutes from the nearest hospital.  Especially with none of the high risk factors, I figured I had the greatest chance for a VBAC in my own, peaceful, familiar environment with a great birth team, where I'd be free to roam around and labor however I was most effective.    Kathleen said I had about a 70-80% chance of being able to have a successful VBAC.  A lot of it depended on my own mental and emotional state.  Was I all-in?  Was I willing to do everything she told me to prepare my body for this?  Did I really believe I had the ability to birth my baby naturally?

In my heart, the answer to all of these questions was a resounding yes.  I wanted so badly for my body to do what it was created to do.  I knew there was nothing wrong with my uterus.  It was my misaligned pelvis and the position of my first daughter (Occiput Posterior) that prevented her from descending into the birth canal enough to make me dilate fully.  As the world-renowned midwife Ina May Gaskin says, "Your body is not a lemon."   This sounds strange, but I wanted it all.  I wanted to feel everything.  I wanted to sense what it was like to push my baby out.  I just had this deep feeling that I could do this, that I could have this amazing experience of being full engaged with my baby coming into the world.

In the end, the sweet, wonderful victorious thing is that I was able to have a successful homebirth VBAC with Norah!   Besides a lot of centering, surrendering prayer to the Lord, I don't think there was any one thing that made it happen successfully, but a lot of things that all worked together.

Before I go any further, I just want to make it clear that I know a VBAC isn't the best option for everyone.  I also have several friends who attempted VBACs and ended up with repeat c-sections.  I know that could have been me as well.  I'm not assuming that these tips will work for everyone, but I wanted to share what I feel gave me my best chance at having a successful VBAC.

So in hopes of helping others in my same position, here are all the things I did to prepare for my homebirth VBAC.  Even if you're choosing a hospital or birth center VBAC, I hope you'll find something here that's helpful.

Prayer

This was most important to me, because I had to surrender my dreams and wishes to the Lord.  He knit Norah together in my womb and was there every minute with me through this pregnancy, from the hours I spent sick on the bathroom floor, to washing and folding her clothes, to seeing her twisting and turning on the ultrasound screen.  But I'm not sure if it mattered to God how she would come into the world.  Was it His will one way or another - c-section or natural birth?  I don't know, but the Bible tells us to approach Him with confidence and persistence and faith, so that's what I did.  I asked Him for this gift - for my body to do what He had created it to do.  I had peace that I had given Him my heart's desire, and from there, whatever happened would be okay. 

Chiropractic care

One of the biggest mistakes I made when pregnant with Luci Belle was not getting chiropractic adjustments, and I ended up with a misaligned pelvis that wouldn't allow my baby to descend and the inevitable c-section.  I wasn't going to make that mistake again.  After Luci Belle's birth, we developed an incredible relationship with the folks at Café of Life Chiropractic, and doctors Autumn and Tom Gore have adjusted our entire family since. They are like family to us.  Their office is a safe haven, a nucleus of peace and community.  So getting adjusted from the beginning of my pregnancy was an absolute must.  I said so many times, "I don't know how I got through my first pregnancy without chiropractic care.  What was I thinking?"  After getting adjusted each time, I just felt so much better.  I could tell that my pelvis was open and aligned.  I could feel life coursing through me from my head to my toes.  And when I had the aches and pains of my bones and ligaments stretching to accommodate this baby, they were immediately relieved after getting adjusted.  I highly recommend chiropractic to all pregnant women.  Make sure you choose one who is well-versed in dealing with pregnancy and children.

Hypnobabies

During my first pregnancy I was kinda skeptical of the whole Hypnobabies thing, but then I had several friends who used the audio tracks successfully and had very peaceful births.  I found out they had a CD specifically for VBACs which I purchased and listened to every night as I fell asleep.  I only remember one time that I was still awake at the end of the CD, but apparently, your subconscious is still soaking in the affirmations even if you're asleep.  One phrase on the CD stuck out to me more than all the others, "This is my healing birth."   Weeks before the birth, I wrote this phrase on the mirror in my bedroom with dry erase marker.  As you'll see later in my birth story, this phrase ended up being very meaningful to me.

Being more active

Huge pregnant belly.  Very energetic 3-year-old.  'Nuff said. 

Better posture

Last time, I was still working from home 8+ hours a day.  I sat at my desk every day, all day.  I've since read that sitting too much and bad posture in pregnancy can lead to your baby being in an unfavorable position.  This time, I wasn't sitting all day; I was movin' (see previous).  Also, Norah was positioned correctly and able to descend straight into my pelvis.

Agreeing to not be induced

The highest risk for uterine rupture in VBACs is among women who were induced into labor because it stresses the uterus.  Having felt the effects of that horrific beast, Pitocin, the first time, I in no way, shape, or form wanted to be given anything synthetic to induce my labor.  Thankfully, my midwife was just as passionate about helping my labor start naturally or at least with gentle natural methods.

Essential oils

I've mentioned how much I love my doTerra essential oils and have been building an arsenal of them.  Then, my dear friend Bre who runs the website Nourishing the Home gave me a wonderful baby shower gift - a labor and birth kit filled with an array of doTerra oils along with scripture cards and bullet points of how to use them.  My favorite oil pre-labor was Clary Sage - at 38 weeks, I started diffusing Clary Sage on my nightstand before bed, and not only was it super calming, but it also made me have some Braxton-Hicks contractions which were good practice for my uterus. 

Supplements

I was faithful in taking a good prenatal vitamin, Vitamin C (which my midwife said would help me build a good strong bag of waters), and Carlson's Vitamin D-3 drops throughout my pregnancy, and then in the last several weeks, I took Red Raspberry Leaf in capsules (because no one can drink that much tea) and Evening Primrose Oil.  I took as much EPO as possible to prepare my uterus - by mouth as well as internally (email me if you want to know details on that - ha.)

Birthing without fear, speaking positively, & understanding the facts

It was essential for me to try erase the fears of my last experience...that because of last time, my body couldn't do it this time, or that I'd be one of the 1% who had something terrible happen.  I tend towards being fearful in general, so this had to be addressed.  Doing my own research really helped to assuage a lot of these fears.  When you're considering a VBAC, the words "uterine rupture" are always at the forefront, either said to scare you, or said to yourself to convince yourself not to do it.  Yes, uterine ruptures can happen but from all of my research, I found that the rate was only 1%, and I actually had a greater risk of something going wrong during a repeated c-section (which some people forget is major surgery!) than I did with a VBAC.  I also kept telling myself "I am staying out of the hospital this time."  In the back of my mind, of course I knew I would go if I had to, in the event of an actual emergency.  But building up confidence that I was going to be able to do this outside of the hospital this time was important for me.

~ ~ ~

So there you have it!   I truly hope this helps someone have the VBAC they desire.   The story of Norah's beautiful healing birth is coming soon...stay tuned.

August: getting back to simple living.

As a family, we've decided to take the month of August to simplify our lives even further, to cut back on spending and get back to the simple, wonderful things that make life worth living. We've already been eating cleaner thanks to our first completed Whole30, which we're both continuing to do for the most part.  But now we're feeling led to tackle other areas like TV/movie consumption, financial spending, and just how we spend our time in general. 

Technology is helpful, but I don't want our family to be defined by it.  There are so many other things that are important to us: embracing time outside in nature, savoring the simple gifts of childhood like reading books together, making crafts, digging in the dirt, and running through a sprinkler.  I want my children to be able to find ways to play on their own (or with us) without a TV, phone, or Kindle being involved.

Here's what we've committed to for the month of August:

No TV/movie/Netflix watching at all.  Let's be honest, this is probably going to be the hardest on mama, not because I like to watch TV (I rarely do), but because I absolutely use TV/Netflix as a crutch to keep my 4-year-old busy when I need a break.  I'm pretty stringent about her only watching shows like those on PBS Kids or other classics like Richard Scarry's Busytown, Little Bear, and Strawberry Shortcake.  And I'm not some kind of supermom who thinks I should be able to parent 100% of the time without using media, but I do think we need to cut it out for a month just to take a step back and re-evaluate.  This will open the door back up to more creative play, more often.  For instance, our babysitter Rachel who comes twice a week has a strict no-TV-watching policy while she's with any kids she's babysitting.  You wouldn't believe the creations she and Luci Belle come up with - a "dollhouse" made of cardboard and recycling scraps, a secret hideaway made from a carseat box, and a super hero tissue paper cape.

No technology while eating, nursing, or bathing.  We've gotten into the bad habit of answering texts while at the dinner table and allowing our oldest daughter to eat her lunch while watching a show.  I've picked up my phone to check Instagram while nursing as my precious wide-eyed 6-month old is looking up at me playing with my hair.   And the other night, I took my phone with me to take a bath.  Seriously?  This is not okay.

Cook and share meals at home.  We haven't been eating out much since Whole30, but this will also eliminate the several-times-weekly trips to Whole Foods to get my daughter pepperoni pizza from the hot bar.  We know how to make an awesome homemade crust ourselves, so instead we're going to have a fun pizza-making fest here at home and freeze them for later.  Or spend some time on the patio at our own business, Urban Acres, and eat some of our awesome artisan pizza.

Be outside. Yes, August is absolutely sweltering in Texas, pretty unbearable unless you're near water.  So we're either going to find water, just sweat it out, or hunker down inside.  I'd like to see more family walks this month, then a run through the sprinkler when we get home.

Read more books.  After the children are in bed, Steven tends to veg out watching a movie on Netflix, and I join him mindlessly or work on some writing/creative stuff.   At the same time, I have, like, 6 books going and can't seem to finish any of them.  I hope to fix that in the month of August!  And I know my husband will benefit from getting back to reading more.

So here are the books I'm currently reading that I'd like to finish:

• Love Does: Discover a Secretly Incredible Life in an Ordinary World by Bob Goff
• Let's All Be Brave: Living Life with Everything You Have by Annie F. Downs
• The Pioneer Woman: Black Heels to Tractor Wheels by Ree Drummond
• Give Them Grace: Dazzling Your Kids with the Love of Jesus by Elyse M. Fitzpatrick
• Undaunted: Daring to Do What God Calls You to Do by Christine Caine
• Preemptive Love: Pursuing Peace One Heart at a Time by Jeremy Courtney {see my review so far}
• Hands Free Mama: A Guide to Putting Down the Phone, Burning the To-Do List, and Letting Go of Perfection to Grasp What Really Matters! by Rachel Macy Stafford

Um yeah, so 7 books.

~ ~ ~

We've already started preparing Luci Belle for a month without TV and have been talking about all the things that are better than it, anyway.  Tonight, we're making a list of all the things we're going to do in August instead of watch shows.  I can only imagine the ways this is going to change our family.

And I don't know if this is weird, but I actually feel giddy about this.  Probably because it stirs what's deep in my soul, what I want my life and family to be about, and what I know is healthiest for us. 

They say that "transparency creates accountability," so now that it's out there, there's no turning back.  August, let's do this!

9 years.

Because 9 years ago on a rainy July day, we stood in front of our closest friends and family.  He told me I was "the most beautiful thing in his life."  And we agreed to walk with each other to the feet of Jesus.

Because we made our vows, and we know it's not easy, and we're not always loveable.

Because we know it's hard, hard work.

Because we've been through "better" - two beautiful babies, a successful business, a safe and comfortable home, wonderful friends and family.

Because we've been through "worse" - lack of money, growing apart, broken family relationships and friendships, marriages crumbling around us.

Because he promised to take care of me and hold my dreams gently in his hands,

and he has.

Because I knew that life with him would not be perfect or easy but a wonderful, wild adventure,

and it has been.

Because 9 years married - and still in love - is worth celebrating.

Today, I say to the love of my life, my best friend, "Grow old along with me! The best is yet to be." We've built a beautiful life together, babe.  Thank you for being on this journey with me.

She's four.

How has it possibly been four years?  Four years since I became a mama on a hot July day.  Four years of her joyful, spunky personality.

Four years of being stretched and challenged and sanctified in ways I could only imagine before I had children.  Four years of the hardest, and most rewarding, work I've ever done.

I'm not gonna lie, age 3 was more difficult for us than age 2.  But with it came so many moments of wonder as her imagination took flight.  I can't remember a day when she didn't make us stop in our tracks with one of her creative and insightful observations.

The other morning while playing with clay...

Luci Belle: "UGHHHHH!"
Me: "Take a deep breath.  Let's not get frustrated."
LB: "OK.  Because Jesus is in our house, right Mommy?"
Me: {kinda surprised but delighted} "Yes!  Where did you learn that?"
LB: "In my heart, remember?"

Happy four years, Luci Isabelle.  We're so thankful for your precious spirit-filled life!

She Reads Truth.

So happy to finally be doing my first She Reads Truth study - The Sermon on the Mount. Isn't the study pack beautiful? Hoping this will revive some of my Bible Study Fellowship lessons from Matthew this past spring - I'm pretty embarrassed by how much I had to unearth my Bible to start this study. But His mercies are new every morning, and I'm starting anew.

She Reads Truth is simply an online community of women studying God's Word together.  Their site provides a daily devotional (and they have an app coming soon to make it even easier!) plus beautiful quotes and scriptures to memorize on their Instagram feed.

Join me?  Click below.