The gift of nature.

New Mexico open road ~ 2006Apparently I'm on a Donald Miller kick lately...now I'm reading Through Painted Deserts (originally titled Prayer and the Art of Volkswagen Maintenance), an older book about his cross-country road-trip from Texas to Oregon with his friend Paul in an old Volkswagen van.  Each page absolutely teems with description of this beautiful land in which we live, a land I so desire to cross one day in my own van or RV, like the Happy Janssens.  I guess I become a little more hippie everyday.

It's timely that I'm reading this now, as Donald and Paul are at the Grand Canyon, about to make a descent all the way to its cavernous bottom on Easter Sunday.  As our own Easter approaches with all the symbols of spring and new life and potential it brings, I feel the anticipation of being right there with them, wishing I could see the myriad of stars they are going to see camping at the bottom of that magnificent place, and remembering the first wondrous time I saw the Grand Canyon myself in 2001 and how it made me fall in love with the west.

Paul is an interesting companion for Donald, who grew up in the big, blaring, concrete city of Houston, where I, too, lived for three scorching summers.  I am right alongside Donald as he describes the sheer vastness of a city where you can no longer see the stars, and everything is the color tan because it's too hot to use blacktop.

Donald's friend Paul, on the other hand, grew up in Oregon amidst rivers and mirrored lakes and dense forests of pine.  He seems to have a supernatural disconnnect from the commercialized world, and a special connection with nature.  Donald says about Paul,

"And maybe this is why he seems so different to me, because he has become a human who no longer believes the commercials are true, which, perhaps is what a human was designed to be." (p. 76)

As the two vagabond friends are passing through the town of Flagstaff, Arizona on their way to the Grand Canyon, there's this incredible narrative...

"We stood out in the desert this morning, and the chemicals in my brain poured soothingly through the gray matter, as if to massage with fingers the most tender part of my mind, as if to say, this is what a human is supposed to feel.   This is what we were made for, to watch the beauty of light fill up the earth's canvas, to make dirt come alive; like fairy dust, making trees and cacti and humans from the magic of its propulsion.  It makes me wonder, now, how easily the brain can be tricked out of what it was supposed to feel, how easily the brain can be tricked by somebody who has a used car to sell, a new perfume, whatever.  You will feel what you were made to feel if you buy this thing I am selling.  But could the thing you and I were supposed to feel, the thing you and I were supposed to be, cost nothing?" (p. 77)

When I read this, my heart said, Yes!  This is what I have wanted my writings on this blog to be about, and this is what I have wanted my life to be about.  This is why I love being in nature because it forces me to come back to this focus; it shows me how much of my everyday life is propelling me further into the current of the status quo rather than pushing against it.

"And maybe when a person doesn't buy the lies anymore, when a human stops long enough to realize the stuff people say to get us to part with our money often isn't true, we can finally see the sunrise, smell the wetness in a Gulf breeze, stand in awe at a downpour no less magnificent than a twenty-thousand-foot waterfall, ten square miles wide, wonder at the physics of a duck paddling itself across the surface of a pond, enjoy the reflection of the sun on the face of the moon, and know, This is what I was made to do.  This is who I was made to be, that life is being given to me as a gift, that light is a metaphor, and God is doing these things to dazzle us." (p. 77)

And then my mind jumps to a question in the Westminster Shorter Catechism:

Q. What is the chief end of man?
A. Man's chief end is to glorify God, and to enjoy him forever.

When I'm in nature, I see how that's so much easier to do. When I am without distraction, a timeline or schedule or too much "stuff" weighing me down, I can see God's purpose in surrounding us with so much beauty - simply to enjoy it.

I have definitely felt it...

  • sitting on a rock in a stream in New Mexico
  • dangling my legs over the edge of the Grand Canyon
  • inhaling the mountain air from a train window in Colorado
  • burying sandy toes into the California coastline
  • digging my fingers in the dirt of my own back yard

We can still enjoy God in cities or in the middle of suburbia.  But I don't know - for me, there still has to be some natural beauty.  It's why people create container gardens on urban patios and why they flock to Central Park's Sheep Meadow on a warm spring day in New York City.  The natural world shows us something we cannot see otherwise.  

"I pull a bit of pine needle off a tree and roll it in my palms and smell the mint-like scent of creation as I let the green shards spill from my palms to the path along the rim.  And I think to myself...

(Through Painted Deserts, p. 91)

"Comparison is the thief of joy."

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about comparison, and how we do it all the time, perhaps without even noticing.  Maybe it’s more apparent now when my body is literally changing everyday.  Admittedly, about once a week, I will Google however many weeks pregnant I am, click the images tab on the results page, and then view photos of other women who are as far along as me – to see how my belly size compares.  Somehow, 15 minutes online clicking through photos of anonymous women’s bellies makes me feel better.  Isn't it ridiculous?  In my heart, I know it’s best not to worry, that all I need to do is take care of my body, stay active, eat fresh, real food, and hope and pray for a healthy baby.  But I have to admit there is that ever fearful, sinful part of me that is still overconsumed with my own appearance, so much that I can’t help but realize I’m getting frighteningly close to my highest weight ever. “Am I getting too big?   What if I never lose the weight or fit into my old clothes again?  What will people think of me then?”

“Comparison is the thief of joy.” ~Theodore Roosevelt

I’ve just finished reading Donald Miller’s book, Searching for God Knows What, which I picked up on a rainy weeknight at the massive Half Price Books on Northwest Highway.  I was actually there searching for his new book, A Million Miles In A Thousand Years, along with an older one about his cross-country road trip - Through Painted Deserts - but found neither.  At Half Price Books, somehow I always end up getting other books that aren’t on my list and none that actually are, so I found Searching for God Knows What and tucked it tentatively under my arm along with Operating Instructions by Anne Lamott.  And there I was in the "Memoirs" aisle when I suddenly began feeling this intense heat that seemed to rise from my core all the way up my neck, flushing my face. Is this what a pregnancy hot flash feels like?  I’ve gotta get outta here…RIGHT NOW, I thoughtWithout really deciding whether I wanted the Donald Miller book, I headed straight for the register with it, checked out, and burst out the doors into the cool rainy air.

I’m so glad this book found its way to me.  The first four chapters weren’t that great.  Honestly they were difficult to comprehend and a bit hard to follow.  But then, it started to get underline-half-the-page good.  Take the chapter, Adam, Eve, and the Alien.  Donald is wondering what it would be like if an alien came to check out life on earth, spending time in our daily lives, researching the things humans care about and how we spend our time.  What would they think of us and how we operate?  What would they think of our society centered around commercialism, accumulating more and more stuff, glorifying celebrities and sports teams for the whole useless point of comparison?   Donald imagines that upon returning to its planet, the alien would report to its friends,

“The thing that defines human personalities is that they are constantly comparing themselves to one another…it is as though something that helped them function and live well has gone missing, and they are pining for that missing thing in all sorts of odd methods, none of which are working.”

Now, we don't know for sure if aliens really exist, but can anyone deny this observation is true?  Whether or not you believe in God or sin or the fall of man, or that there is something missing here on earth that we'll never see again until heaven...you have to admit that this constant searching and discontentment is real.  If there’s a single female – a single human – who hasn’t struggled at some point with comparison to others, I haven’t met him or her yet.

"They were naked and unshamed." ~Genesis 2:25

At this point in the chapter, Donald referred back to the book of Genesis in a way that really made the Bible come alive to me in a new way.  In the beginning of Genesis, it says that once Adam and Eve committed the first sin by eating of the forbidden fruit, it was then and only then that "the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked, so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves." (Genesis 3:7).  Right here, we have the first recorded history of clothes. 

And God said, “Who told you you were naked?” ~Genesis 3:11

This is the first time I ever pondered the sadness and disappointment that God must have felt at this moment.  He had lovingly knit together these two beings - flawless in His eyes - and now here they were, ashamed of the very bodies He had created for them.  That moment, a separation was created, a line was drawn in the sand.  Doubt and insecurity were born. And so it has been since that moment.

If Adam and Eve really were the only two people who existed then, they were not only hiding from God but also covering themselves from each other.  I guess this is also the moment that intimacy between a man and woman was thwarted for the first time. 

Before that first act of disobedience to God that changed everything, Adam and Eve didn’t even have the capacity to understand what it meant to be unsatisfied with themselves.  They didn't need to decorate their naked bodies.  Eve didn’t notice the size of her hips or the texture of her hair.  Adam didn't wonder if his quads were ripped enough.  Now, we walk around with clothes of all textures and colors to hide our nakedness and even seek out clothing that drapes our bodies in such a way as to make them appear more flattering.  I'm certainly not suggesting the opposite - that we all live on nudist colonies - but really, how far have we gone to the opposite extreme?

I think of one of my favorite sections of Anne Lamott's book, Traveling Mercies.  Anne is in a department store dressing room trying on a fitted dress. She's with her best friend, Pammy, who also happens to be in a wheelchair, dying of stage 4 breast cancer.  Annie comes out of the dressing room and asks, "Pammy, do you think this dress makes my hips look big?"  Pammy replies, "Oh Annie, you really don't have that kind of time."

And we don't.  One day, this is all going to look really silly.  We will see what was really important, all the while we were too busy being occupied with body size, status, appearance.

* * *

So what now?  Over the last several years, I've learned that I can rarely change things without having a plan for how to actually do it.  Don't worry, my plan isn't to practice walking around naked in public.  My plan isn't to start ridiculing Hollywood and sports celebrities either, although I no longer have the desire to read People or US Magazine or even In Style.  My plan starts with step one: stop scrutinizing pictures of other women’s bellies.  And continue to make steps towards not scrutinizing myself, especially now when the changes in my body are more noticeable than ever.  Now, I try to look at myself and my bulging belly (and hips!) in the mirror and smile.  And tell myself, "It is what God has given me.  And it is just right." 

What it feels like.

Several people have asked me what it feels like to have a human being inside of you, moving and kicking and swishing around.  It's a feeling like none other.

Sometimes it feels like...

bongo drums

a wave

a cheerleader kick and punch

a gentle nudge

morse code

the bottom falling out of your stomach, like when you are on a roller coaster

popcorn popping

Last night, I was in bed writing in my journal and felt a sudden tinge of sadness knowing that, a little over 3 months from now, I won't pregnant anymore.  It will be beyond wonderful to have our baby in our arms, but I know I am going to miss having her inside me floating around, like my own little secret or gift.  It's something only I can feel.  It makes sense to me now how beautifully and carefully God knits our bodies together - He creates a bond even now before I've met our baby where I already feel I'd do anything in the world to protect her, knowing she is so small and dependant and vulnerable in there, nestled in the warm mutedness of my womb.   How anyone could not believe in God after being pregnant is unfathomable to me.  

I'm going to miss having her as my constant companion.  I never understood this until now.

Happy daffodils.

Today was a crazy Friday...at times, my cell phone, IM, work phone and email were all dinging at the same time, and the dogs were out of control.  To add to the chaos, I wore a shirt today that is apparently not a maternity top but a nursing top and, I'll spare you the details, but let's just say I accidentally discovered today why they call it a nursing top.  WUNDERFUL.

But early this afternoon, my day became a whole lot better when I spotted a small patch of daffodils growing wildly along the side of our house - happy, bright yellow, delicately perfect...so unlike my day.

I snipped some off and made a bouquet and placed them in a pretty olive oil jar I'd saved...

And they found a spot on my desk amidst the chaos...

What a welcome sight - just a short whiff of their sweet scent grounded me more than a few times.

I'm thankful for little gifts like this that are all around us...if we just know where to find them.  I hope I never stop looking.

One of the most beautiful quotes I've ever heard...

"Living as a couple never means that each gets half.  You must take turns at giving more than getting.  It's not the same as a bow to the other whether to dine out rather than in, or which one gets massaged that evening with oil of calendula; there are seasons in the life of a couple that function, I think, a little like a night watch.  One stands guard, often for a long time, providing the serenity in which the other can work at something.  Usually that something is sinewy and full of spines.  One goes inside the dark place, while the other one stays outside, holding up the moon."

~ from A Thousand Days in Venice by Marlena De Blasi

It's just beautiful.  I think of Steven, who has held up the moon for me so many times while I cried at the unfairness of life.  I think of his warm, clear brown eyes that looked at me last night with such love as I had another moment of freakout about our future, as he knelt down in front of me and said, "Christine, I won't let us believe lies.  I'm always going to take care of you.  And I am going to lead our family in the direction of truth, in the direction of Christ."

Christ has sent him as a guard to stand outside my life, and what an honor it is in those moments I get to stand outside his.

Signs of early spring!

I'll never tire of searching for signs of spring in my yard each year...it will never grow old.

The back yard...

My camellia is actually blooming!

Yellow lilies pushing their way to the surface

Oak leaf hydrangeas setting forth new growth

 

And here is the Bradford Pear, blooming quickly in the front yard...

Happy list.

"S p r i n g t i m e  is the land awakening..."

blackberries in the yard last summer

What better day to make a happy list than today...68 degrees and sunny and murmuring of spring?  Thank you, Tara, for the lovely idea!

  • Envisioning my flower beds bursting with wildflowers in just a few short months.  I've got 5 or 6 packets ready to plant...
  • ...and juicy, tart blackberries ripening on the white trellis in the back yard.
  • Driving really fast with the sunroof open, windows down, and Margaritaville on a radio, as it was when I took a quick trip to the post office earlier...
  • The little book/music/tea exchange program Jenni and I have going on.  I can't wait to borrow her copy of Peace Like A River by Leif Enger, and I sent her my Rosie Thomas When We Were Small CD, an all-time favorite. 
  • Tazo Passion unsweetened iced tea - the only drink I'll get at Starbucks.  Now I'm craving it...
  • How my hubby looks in his grey workout jacket from Lululemon.  Yowza.
  • Thinking about future fun 4th of July birthday pool parties for our little girl.  Fresh-baked berry pies and that wonderful feeling of eating lunch in the sun while still wet from swimming all morning.
  • Amy Butler fabric - there's not a single pattern I don't like.  Also, have you seen her rugs? There aren't words.
  • In anticipation of Shauna Niequist's new book, Bittersweet, releasing later this year, reading this beautiful excerpt and savoring this line, "I believe that suffering is a part of the narrative, and that nothing really good gets built when everything’s easy."
  • 2010.  It's been a year of restoration, redemption so far.

What are your happies right now?