One month.

/

To my darling Luci Belle,

Today is your one-month birthday. One month ago today, I didn’t yet understand the fierceness of a mother’s love. And then, within the first minute of your life, it took me completely off-guard. It’s so different than the love I have for anyone else in this world. This love is one that feels a little risky, more dangerous. It feels like I’ve now opened up my heart and allowed it to walk around outside my body, in your body. It is a little bit scary because now I love someone who is definitely going to leave one day, to at some point break my heart, to perhaps move halfway across the world after she graduates high school. And I’m going to have to let it happen, to let you make your own decisions. Loving you, Luci Belle, is just scratching the surface of understanding God’s love for me. Your utter dependence on me for food, sleep, security, warmth, is only a shadow of how much I need God everyday, often without realizing it.

Some of the things you absolutely love right now: flailing and waving your arms like you’re conducting a symphony, and pumping your left leg over and over like you’re trying to jumpstart a motorcycle. After all the effort I put into decorating your nursery, I figured it was mainly just for me to selfishly enjoy and that you wouldn’t even notice. But instead, whenever we bring you into your room, you immediately quiet down and look around in wonder, as if you’re taking in all the soothing sights, textures, and colors. This makes me so happy. It’s amazing to see you begin to discover all the beautiful things in this world.

You also love it when Daddy swaddles you in your favorite blanket and gently bounces you until you fall asleep. You love Norah Jones, Rosie Thomas and Jason Mraz as background music, the sound of ocean waves, and when I swish my hair gently over your face until you almost-giggle. We’ve only heard your real-giggle twice, and it was pretty much the sweetest sound in the world.

One of my favorite things is to look down at you on my chest and see you absolutely beaming with a huge grin as you sleep. What could you possibly be dreaming about that is that wonderful? Milk, milk, and more milk? And then there’s your “lounging pose” when I hold you in the crook of my arm and you rest one hand nonchalantly against your cheek as we walk around the house together. Sometimes when I’m holding you, you’ll fix your eyes on something invisible just past my face or shoulder, and you smile so big, and I say to your Daddy, “I think she sees angels.”

In the last month, my tummy went from a huge hardened watermelon to a mushy gelatinous pooch. I’ve probably had 24 hours of sleep total and my fair share of meltdowns. But that’s okay, because I will never, ever get back the teeny-tiny you that was put on my chest in the operating room, as your just-born eyes tried to focus and squinted from the bright lights. I know that in the grand scheme of things, one month of life isn’t very long. But for me, this is the month that my life changed, both for the difficulty and wonderfulness of it.

Nighttime picnic.

/

"Then followed that beautiful season... Summer....
Filled was the air with a dreamy and magical light; and the landscape
Lay as if new created in all the freshness of childhood."
~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

It was one of those summer nights when you just knew you were making a memory.  As the light was lowering in the sky, we gathered at our favorite place in Dallas, Southern Methodist University's campus, to set up a nighttime picnic.  It was Terrica's 28th birthday, and oh, how she loves picnics.  So before she arrived, Steven, our friend Michelle, and I set up a soft plaid blanket surrounded by lanterns, right near the fountain so we could feel its cool mist. 

Ever since living in Dallas, SMU's campus has been a safe haven for us, like our own private, beautiful park.  There is barely ever anyone there, especially at night.  The fountains that shine like gems and the enormous old pecan trees that form canopies over the squishy grass all say, "I am Dallas' best kept secret."

As the sun started to set, the fountain in the center of campus glowed even more brilliantly...

After a little while, Terrica, her husband Josh, and our friend Autumn all arrived, straight from yoga class, and we shared our picnic-y goodies.  Juicy, sweet watermelon, farm cheese, peanut butter and banana sandwiches, and for Terrica's birthday "cake" - Hail Merry Chocolate Tarts.  Mmmmm.  Take a bite, pass it on, take a bite, pass it on.

But mostly we just enjoyed the breezy evening, the cool mist spritzing us from the fountain, and being silly.

Autumn & Michelle with my buddha belly. Please notice the drip of watermelon juice about halfway down :)

Steven, Autumn, me and part of Michelle's head :)

Terrica's husband, Josh

It was a beautiful evening of community, celebrating Terrica's life - one that we are definitely blessed to have...

Terrica & Josh

...And an evening treasuring these last moments before our little girl arrives.

A lake with a dock and a hammock and a boat.

/

In honor of Memorial Day weekend when summer is unofficially welcomed, I wanted to share one of my favorite summer memories with you...

Five years and what seems like many moons ago, when I lived in Nashville, some friends and I spent time at a place called "Shiloh" on Smith Mountain Lake in Virginia.   This gorgeous place is also where What About Bob? was filmed, although it's called Lake Winnipesaukee in the movie.   More importantly, Smith Mountain Lake is the home of our friend Betty-Ashton's parents - Deke and Boo, two of the most generous people you will ever meet, who are constantly opening their spacious home to their children's friends, to neighbors, to strangers - really anyone who wants to come and enjoy the peace and natural beauty of Shiloh.  To young twenty-somethings living in Nashville, it was a retreat from our daily lives of jobs and schedules, a place where those of us with families in all different states could come together and be taken care of by someone else's mom for the weekend. 

An 8-hour drive away, it was worth every minute as we wound further and further out of the city and into the breathtaking Blue Ridge Mountains.  Finally, around midnight, as we slowly rolled down a tree-lined gravel driveway, we would spot Shiloh's warmly lit windows, beckoning us to come inside and rest.

Shiloh was built for company.  From the multiple sleeping quarters, to the huge L-shaped couches, to the drawers and bowls everywhere stocked with snacks and candy, this was a home used to having people around.  Love was worn into its furniture.  The two amazing weekends I spent at Shiloh, there were about 15 of us from Nashville.  By day, we relaxed in white lawn chairs on the sun-soaked private dock, rode in the speedboat with one of Betty-Ashton's brothers, jumped off the dock in crazy poses, and floated on rafts shaped like palm trees. 

By night, we curled and piled up on those L-shaped couches and watched movies, played guitars and games, sat in a row on the rocking chairs on the backporch, and inhaled the sounds of night in the mountains, a place where time stands still. 

All day long, we ate Boo's delicious cooking - giant salads, scrambled eggs with sausage - one amazing meal after another that she seemed to constantly be preparing, because with so many of us, once one meal was done, it was practically time to start on the next. 

Even with so many guests on a Sunday morning, "church" still happened at Shiloh.  Still hapazardly dressed in PJs and hair matted from swimming the previous day, we all gathered on the carpeted floor in Deke and Boo's bedroom, and Deke preached us a sermon from the treadmill.

One of my best life moments happened at Shiloh.  It was nothing monumental but a single memory where my surroundings were so perfect, and I felt so alive, so free, so in love with life.  It was a heavenly summer day, the kind where it's warm in the sun but not too hot, and a gentle breeze is blowing.  It was early morning at Shiloh, and no one else had yet awakened.  The bright sun glaring through the windows wooed me outside.  I walked down the hill barefoot through the soft grass of the backyard down to the dock and found the hammock under the enormous weeping willow tree.  For a few moments, I just swung in the hammock slowly, the branches of the weeping willow waving above me.  I heard nothing but the sounds of crickets and the lap of water against the boat in the boat dock.  There, I wrote this in my journal:

Could this be any more beautiful?  I can say that this is one of the most peaceful mornings I've ever experienced.  It's about 8:45am...I woke up naturally and tiptoed over to the window and peeked out the blinds.  Glorious sunshine, not a cloud in the sky.  I grabbed my journal and walked down here to the dock.  This is what I saw before me: The lake is glistening under the light of the morning sun.  There is not even the least bit of humidity and the sun shines brilliantly, lighting up the gorgeous green meadow across the lake.  A weeping willow hangs lazily over the water's edge and light shines through the threads on its branches as if through a little blond girl's hair.   This morning is the Sabbath.  I feel closer to You here than I do in a dark, cold church building.  And I'm so thankful you give us these little spots of heaven on earth...

Later that day, another experience I will never forget - Jen and I took out the kayaks for a peaceful paddle through the cove.  I recall the sun beating down on us and that I closed my eyes for a few seconds to feel its warmth as my oar made a hollow sound on the side of the boat.  There was a gentle, smooth resistance to my paddle in the calm lake waters.  As we glided through the cove, we were at the same level with the ducks and birds skimming the water, surrounded by nothing but green.  It was one of the most peaceful times I can remember...

These memories make me realize that I have become more of a "lake" person over the last several years, and I long for a lakehouse of my own one day - one with a firepit and a small dock with a hammock and a willow tree.  A place where summers are warm but not scorching, and autumn leaves begin to flash in the trees come early September.  A place where people feel warm and welcome and enveloped by trees and water.

But I do not have that now.  And that's okay.  So I will treasure my memories of Shiloh and remember the lessons I learned there - that we desperately need moments of peace and fun and rest.  And that we are made for the enjoyment of the things God has created - the community of people, and the beauty of nature.

Past Memorial Day weekend posts:

2009: First Pool Day.

2008: The Welcoming of Summer.

2007: Simple Truth on Memorial Day.

Reflections at 33 weeks.

/

  • I love being pregnant.  Given that I had so many fears about it for awhile, it comes as a pleasant surprise to me.  Granted, I still remember the first trimester when I was as sick as a DAWG, but there are so many wonderful things, too, like not needing an excuse to ask for a back rub. And the delight and expectation Steven and I have to meet our little girl.  And the crazy movements she does late at night that sometimes make me laugh out loud!  I swear sometimes it feels like she is snapping her fingers or sucking her thumb.
  • Some days it feels like my stomach is so huge it's going to explode, and other days like today, I don't even feel like I'm pregnant until I look down and see the big belly.
  • I desperately need to paint my toenails but can't reach them anymore. 
  • I found the bottom of my belly button.  And it was surprisingly clean!
  • I think I'm going to give birth to a jackrabbit.  Sometimes she kicks, and my belly literally jumps.  Apparently the little jackrabbit also doesn't like the heartbeat doppler at the birthing center.  As soon as we find her heartbeat, she starts moving around as if to say, "You can't catch me!"
  • All of these things make me even more excited to be a mother...I feel like I already know so much about her personality and we haven't even met!
  • No amount of monogramming bribery is going to make us reveal her name before she is born.  If you've already tried this tactic, you know who you are.
  • I can't wait to sleep on my back again.
  • I absolutely love the books Ina May's Guide to Childbirth and Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way.  Both have helped me feel really peaceful and positive about {Lord willing} having a natural birth experience.
  • I haven't done anything to the baby room yet.  I feel stalled for some reason.  Not sure what I'm waiting for!

#33

/

Well, I can now cross #33 off my "37 by 37" list.  Thanks to our friend Josh who got free tickets from work, this past Sunday evening was spent partying with my favorite fellow New Jerseyans, BON JOVI!  It was my third time to see them, and Steven's first.  Out of the three times I've seen them live, it was by far the best show, visually and musically.  The video show was unbelievable - screens that kept changing shapes and sizes and even turned into platforms for JBJ to walk on over the stage.  Baby Girl B loved it too - she was dancing the whole time!

My favorite part?  The encore - Wanted Dead or Alive sung entirely by the audience, and of course Livin' on a Prayer, the best song of the 80s.  As they say, once a Jersey girl, always a Jersey girl...

15 weeks.

/

Well, here is the bump, growing a little more each day. I have to remember I can't just bend straight over anymore without feeling a little *pinch*.  Also, I must apologize for the outfit.  I'm going to be totally transparent here and say that I wore those electric blue yoga pants three days in a row.  It was so bad that my husband, who never says anything negative about my appearance, gently suggested that maybe I should change my pants.  Oh dear.  They're just so comfortable, especially when my jeans are torturous right now.  But I get his point.  When you add the red hoodie sweatshirt that is now so short that the pockets are at chest-level, it's time.  It's time to give something else a turn.

Favorite foods of the moment:

  • Refreshing smoothie: 1 cup plain whole milk yogurt, 1 1/2 frozen bananas, and the juice of 1 orange.   It's that simple, and goodness, it's delicious.  A little granola on top for some crunch makes it even better.  This is actually plenty for 2 servings.
  • PICKLES.  MUST HAVE PICKLES.  My favorites are the baby kosher dills from Whole Foods.
  • Baked potatoes with butter, sour cream, and sea salt.
  • Crispy grass-fed ground beef.  Basically I cook it in the pan until it crisps so it's not too spongy.  There's no way I can do spongy right now.
  • Eggs.  Eggs galore!  I'll never get sick of eggs.  I think I actually said, "Thank God for eggs" out loud the other night as I ate them for dinner.
  • Cream of Buckwheat and steel-cut oats - with butter and bananas on top.  And maybe a dab of yogurt.

And here's a belly front shot...

 

My silly girls.

/

Greta & Heidi, the two German Doberman sisters

"I think we are drawn to dogs because they are the uninhibited creatures we might be if we weren't certain we knew better."
~ George Bird Evans 

Oh, how much joy these two bring to our lives!  That is, when Heidi (only 7 months old and larger than full-grown Greta) isn't chewing or licking everything in sight.  I seem to get a full foot bath everyday. She gallops like an antelope all throughout the house, eyes and ears as curious as can be.  When we talk to her, she cocks her head intently.  Greta could be stroked, scratched, petted for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  She rests her head on the thigh of anyone who enters our home within about 3 minutes of meeting them.

They are both little thiefs.  Greta, the "peach bandit," was caught a few weeks ago standing over her pillow going to town on the remnants of a fuzzy peach that had previously been on the kitchen table out of her reach.  How she got it, I have no idea.  But it was stealthy.  I found the pit licked clean on the living room carpet.
On Saturday afternoon, we brought home our produce bins from the co-op stocked full of a plethora of fruits and veggies.  I turned my head for one second, turned back around, and there was Heidi, standing before me with a full banana hanging out of her mouth.  At least they have good taste!