And I know He watches me.

A few weeks ago on a Saturday morning,  I sent my friend Linda this text:

SOS!  Need prayers for mom sanity.  Phone face just shattered.  Belle teething and clingy.  Feel like I am abt to lose it. 

And if I see one more dang fly...

Except I didn't say "dang" but something far worse.  Ugh.  Not one of my proudest moments.

Of course, it wasn't really about a broken iPhone or houseflies, but they were the straws that broke this weary camel's back.  It had been a very rough, stressful week, and I had reached the breaking point.

There is so much more I wanted to say to Linda at that moment but I could barely type on my shattered phone face, and I was pretty sure shards of glass were already embedded in my thumbs.

It didn't matter.  She immediately offered,

Oh no!  Wanna drop Belle off for an hour or so breather?

Before responding, I hesitated.  I felt like I was burdening her.  After all, she just had her first baby two months ago, and she was offering to bail me out?  I could handle this on my own...I just needed to vent, right?

But then I remembered all the harsh words I'd already spoken that morning to myself, to the poor dogs, and to my daughter, and I knew.  I needed to step away.

So I cashed in my "SOS."

I drove two blocks down to Linda's house and waited for her to come to the door.  With my head in my hands, I sat in a rocking chair on her front porch while my daughter rapped on the door excitedly.  After depositing her into my friend's trusted hands, I quietly drove the two blocks back home.

~ ~ ~

Back at the house, I made a smoothie and parked myself on the couch with my journal and Bible - my lifelines.  The first words I wrote were, "Lord, I need help..."

One of my favorite authors of all time, Anne Lamott, says that the two best prayers she knows are, "Help me, help me, help me" and "Thank you, thank you, thank you."  On this day, those are the best prayers I could utter.

So I wrote, pouring myself out to God.  I made bullet points of all the burdens that were nagging at my spirit like a dirty housefly swirling around my counter top.  And I felt better, like I had purged a lot of ugliness from my heart.

After journaling, I took a hot bath.  There in the steaming hot tub filled with bubbles and tangerine essential oil, He met me.  And He gave me a song.

Out of the blue, I began singing aloud,

I sing because I'm happy

I sing because I'm free

His eye is on the sparrow

And I know He watches me

Really?  I haven't heard or sung "His Eye is On The Sparrow" in years.  But the words resonated, and I sat there for a few moments with the melody pulsing through my warm skin, just reveling in the beauty of it.

And then, He gave me a memory.

About three years ago, our dear friends Chris and Julie Bennett, who pastor an Antioch Church in Norman, OK, prayed over us.  Julie's hands on my shoulders were like the hands of Christ Himself that day, the touch resonating through my entire body and every nerve ending.  In the middle of the prayer, I know I saw Jesus face-to-face.  Suddenly I was looking into the kindest, clearest eyes I'd ever seen in my thirty-one years, His face just inches from mine.  His eyes were filled with perfect peace.  I knew He could see me and all my burdens.  I knew that everything was going to be okay.

~ ~ ~

Back in the bathtub, a moment of realization:

The song - "I know He watches me..."

The memory - His eyes, seeing me.

Yes!  That's what He wanted me to know today.  He watches me.  He sees me.  He loves me.  He is Peace.

When I know He sees it all and is watching over me, how can I be afraid?  At the root of it, anger, frustration, entitlement - it's all fear.  Fear that things are not going to be okay.   Fear that maybe I really am the one who has to hold it all together.  Of course, those are lies.  Because, "There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear." (1 John 4:18) 

~ ~ ~

I'm thankful for friends who come to the rescue.

I'm thankful for this one hour to quiet my spirit before Him, undistracted.

I'm thankful that He cares when I'm struggling and when I'm fearing, even when my trivial problems of a broken iPhone and some flies in my house and a whiny {healthy, perfectly growing} toddler are the hardest parts of my day. 

I'm thankful He knows how much I adore being a wife and mother.  And that's why these ugly feelings are even more difficult to swallow.  

I am so very thankful to have Christ, whose love for me and my imperfect life is perfect and fearless and secure.

This kind of difficult day has happened since and will happen more.  And that will be another opportunity to re-shift my heart, to move toward gratefulness once again.

So here's a reminder {to myself more than anyone}...

When you feel like you're losing your mind,

Ask for help,

take time for yourself,

embrace Truth,

remember the sparrows,

and put things in perspective.

{And get a fly swatter.}

If He knows when the tiniest bird falls to the ground, He can surely take care of you.  And me.