Whole30, let's do this.

It's time to bring in the reins a little.  Even though we eat almost all "whole" real foods at Casa de Bailey, we've gone a little overboard lately with the sweeteners {even natural ones like maple syrup and honey}, smoothies choc full of fruit, and "healthy" Paleo desserts.   I realize that during a tough day of parenting, I reach for the dark chocolate or another sweetened latté faster than I can say a prayer for help.  It's time to take a step back and lessen the hold that food has on my body and emotions.

Enter Whole30 - where you clean up your diet for 30 days straight, eating only whole, real foods.  The focus is on healthy meats and veggies, healthy fats, some nuts and seeds, with a bit of fruit.  No grains, no legumes, and no sweeteners of any kind are allowed, not even Stevia (insert wide-eyed nervous face).   Here are the rules. 

This is going to be hella-hard, but good.  I've done an anti-fungal diet for a month, and it's difficult, but at least I had Stevia so I could still have my beloved coconut milk lattés.  During Whole30, they're going to have to be unsweetened, which makes me shudder...which confirms how much I rely on that sweetness to satisfy myself.

What am I hoping to get out of this?

• Get back to the basics of simple food - taste and appreciate food in its most unprocessed, whole form.
• Loosen the grip of treats in my life, even those made with natural sweeteners.   Recapture the real taste of food without added sweetness.
• Along with strenuous walks and other exercise, get a jumpstart/reboot on toning up my body again, as it's pretty much unrecognizable to me after this last pregnancy.  I know I have a lot of muscle and strength under that fluff, so I'm not freaking out about it.  I'm just doing what I can to be as healthy as possible.

This morning, I went to the grocery store and stocked up on a rainbow of veggies and some fruit {mostly berries} to begin the journey.  This weekend, I'll add more produce from our Urban Acres share, some chicken and grass-fed beef, and Holy Kombucha. 

Whole30 starts tomorrow.  But first, a practice round this afternoon...{unsweetened} iced coffee with {unsweetened} homemade cashew milk and some cinnamon.  It really hit the spot.  I can do this. 

If you've done Whole30, do you have any recipes I must try?  And if you're doing Whole30 now, let's support each other!  We owe it to ourselves and our bodies to set our minds to this and do it fully.  I know I'll feel so much better at the end of this 30 days.  Are you with me?

Favorite homemade nut butter.

This is a staple in our house - homemade nut butter (usually almond) in a mason jar that lasts about 2.5 seconds before it's gobbled up completely. To me, homemade nut butter tastes so much better than what you'll find at the grocery store, and because the nuts are soaked and slowly dried first, it's actually a lot easier to digest.

From Sally Fallon’s book Nourishing Traditions…

“Improperly prepared nuts are very difficult to digest without depleting your store of digestive enzymes, making it difficult for you to gather any nutrients from the food you eat. Commercially available roasted nuts are most likely not soaked first which means they still have enzyme inhibitors. To make the awesome storehouse of nutrients in nuts available to you, you can soak and sprout them first."

So here's how I do it...

Ingredients:

• 2 cups organic raw almonds or raw pecans (or a mixture)
• Filtered water
• 1-2 Tbs sea salt
• Cinnamon
• About 1/4 cup extra virgin coconut oil

Directions:

First, soak dem nuts.  It takes a bit of planning, because you have to soak the nuts two days before, but it's worth it.  Before you go to bed, put the raw nuts in a big bowl and pour enough filtered water over them to cover all the nuts.  Some of the nuts will be floating on top but don’t worry, they will eventually sink into the water.  Sprinkle sea salt on top.  Cover the bowl with a towel and let soak for 8 hours overnight.

In the morning, simply pour the nuts into a colander or strainer so the water drains out.    Rinse them.  Then spread them onto a large cookie sheet so they are all in a single layer.  Sprinkle all the nuts with more sea salt, as much cinnamon as you want, and a wee bit of cayenne pepper if you want  (this is how I like them).

Then, I put them in my oven’s warming drawer on medium for approximately 24 hours.  If you don’t have a warming drawer, put them in the oven on the lowest possible temperature for around 24 hours.  Check the nuts periodically – they are done when they are perfectly dry and crispy, not chewy at all.

No one wants chewy nuts.

Now you're ready to make nut butter while the nuts are still warm (it makes it easier if the nuts are warm, but it's not required if you can't make them right away.)  You'll need a powerful blender (like a Vitamix) or a food processor.  First, melt the coconut oil.  If you're using a Vitamix, pour oil into the blender first, then the nuts. If you're using a food processor, first add the nuts and start processing them until they become pasty, then add the oil. 

Don't be afraid of the coconut oil!  Keep mixing and add a little more oil to make it the consistency you want.  If it’s crumbly and doesn’t hold together, there’s not enough moisture.  If you just want thick, pasty nut butter, you don't need as much oil.  I like mine creamy.

At the end, I add about 5 drops of Vanilla Crème Stevia or about a Tbs of honey to add a bit of sweetness.  You don't have to sweeten it though.

You could also add more cinnamon and cayenne pepper for a kick.  I've also seen people add dried unsweetened coconut flakes and blend them into the nut butter.

Done!  Scoop with a spatula into a glass mason jar with a tight lid and store it in the pantry.  It doesn’t usually stay uneaten for long!

Mother's Day and imperfection.

Mother's Day pancake breakfast tradition ~ last year // this year

This Mother's Day, in a quiet moment on the couch eating blueberry pancakes served by my oldest daughter, I had a glimpse of her as a big girl, and my heart exploded a little. 

I don't even remember how she went from barely speaking words to us having full conversations about thing like "where do fairies live?", "what makes cars go?"  and "what's it like to live in africa?"

And this year, I feel even more heavily the weight of time passing.  A few weeks ago, on our first morning of homeschool, I announced it was snack time, and Luci Belle dashed out of the playroom into the kitchen ahead of me.  In the 15 seconds it took me to put my pen down and gather the baby from where she was playing on the floor, I heard screaming coming from the kitchen. I ran in there, and she was standing on the floor in front of the counter holding her bloody mouth, and one of her bottom teeth was on the floor. 

Her first lost tooth.  At barely age four.  And not on purpose.

You'd think I'd grown accustomed to these moments, as in less than four years, she's already busted her forehead open twice and knocked the wind out of herself another time while jumping off the coffee table {which we've since gotten rid of until...hmmm...our kids leave for college}.  But no, there's no "growing accustomed" to your child screaming in panic and pain and the realization that she's again been scarred by life in this imperfect world.

I don't know where I got the idea that life should ever be perfect, but unfortunately I carried it into motherhood with me.  My babies came into the world without scars, and I wanted to keep it that way. And although I know it's just appearances and it sounds ridiculous to be upset about a tooth, I'm still human, I'm a mom, and it makes me sad.

I kept my sadness about the tooth falling out between my husband and I and a few close girlfriends.  {"Daredevil!" one friend responded.  Another appeared at our front door with a Dora balloon.  Yet another reminded me, "Perfection is boring."}

I looked on the bright side - the tooth was on the bottom, it wasn't a permanent one, and it came out cleanly without any other damage.   And of course more than anything, my daughter is still whole, still her beautiful, spunky self.  Thank you, Lord.

But I just feel fragile now.  I'm feeling the weight of the fact that there's really only so much I can do to protect my children.  It's such a difficult thing to love them and protect them while also surrendering them to the One who actually loves them more than I ever could.

And as much as I want it to be, life just isn't perfect.

The best part is, she doesn't mind at all.  She thinks it's fun to have a window in her mouth and keeps showing it to people proudly.  She's blissfully unaware of how long it's going to be until the new tooth comes in.

Please, my sweet girl.  Stay this innocent and unaffected by the world as long as you can.

On Mother's Day morning, I looked at her sitting across the couch eating chocolate chip pancakes {her favorite} and uttered a silent prayer,

Please don't let me do anything to break her carefree spirit.  Don't let me crush her with my own faults and weaknesses.  Please rid me of this desire for a perfect life so I don't pass it on to my children.   And thank you, thank you, thank you for protecting my girl once again.

So we approach age 4 with a window in her mouth.  I look through, and I see a picture of the little girl she still is, a glimpse of the big girl she's yet to be.

These are days...

"These are days you'll remember.

Never before and never since, I promise, will the whole world be warm as this.

And as you feel it, you'll know it's true that you are blessed and lucky.

It's true that you are touched by something that will grow and bloom in you.

These are days you'll remember.

When May is rushing over you with desire to be part of the miracles you see in

Every hour.

You'll know it's true that you are blessed and lucky.

It's true that you are touched by something that will grow and bloom in you.

These are days.

These are the days you might fill with laughter until you break.

These days you might feel a shaft of light make its way across your face.

And when you do you'll know how it was meant to be.

See the signs and know their meaning.

It's true, you'll know how it was meant to be.

Hear the signs and know they're speaking to you, to you."

~ "These Are Days" by 10,000 Maniacs

The art of self-care {after baby #2}.

"Sacrifice crosses a line into martyrdom when it's not balanced with self-care. Our kids don't need a martyr; they need a mother. A martyr gives up her life to the extent that she no longer exists – she loses who she is while taking care of everyone else. A mother cares for her family and cares for herself. She allows motherhood to expand her experiences and her understanding of herself. A mother models the art of self-care for her children when she pays attention to her need for rest, nutrition, and exercise. She shows them how to find a Friend who understands when she takes the time to pray and read God's Word. She strengthens their faith when they see her turn to God for answers to her own life. Following the example of Christ we can learn to sacrifice without losing ourselves along the way." ~ from Real Moms, Real Jesus by Jill Savage

Almost 4 months in, I'm finding what the "art of self-care" means with two children.  Awhile ago, I learned my lesson that self-care cannot fall by the wayside after having kids.  Sure, it's more difficult and maybe looks a lot different than it did before {say, a 5 minute shower with a baby in the Bumbo at your feet}.  But for me, it's non-negotiable to get in some self-care time however small, so I stay both sane and healthy.   The goal here isn't perfection, as if that were even possible.  A little goes a long way.

Here are some ways I've been practicing self-care lately...

• Making time for reading and tea early in the morning.  It doesn't happen every morning and sometimes it's for only 15 minutes before the first little voice beckons me, but when I start my day this way, I feel much better.  Usually it's my beloved coconut milk latté and my Bible Study Fellowship notes, or just one of the books I'm currently reading.
• Taking my vitamins.  I continued taking Evening Primrose Oil and Red Raspberry Leaf capsules for 3 months postpartum, and I feel like they kept my mood even keel for awhile.  Now I'm done with those and my regimen now includes Garden of Life Vitamin Code for Women, Carlson's Vitamin D-3 drops, liquid iodine to support my thyroid (just 1 drop a day), and Green Pasture Fermented Cod Liver Oil/Butter Oil blend.
• Drinking lots of water.  An easy way to get in enough water?  This glass 2 gallon crock filled with naturally-flavored water to drink throughout the day.  There are few things more refreshing than cucumber lemon water - just slice a bunch of cucumbers thinly with a knife or mandoline, add some fresh squeezed lemon juice or lemon slices to ice water.  You could try all different kinds of flavors - add melon slices, berries, limes...Having it ready and in sight makes a difference.

• Using my essential oils.  I've been building an arsenal of doTerra essential oils, and I use them practically everyday.   Here are some ways:
  • Wild Orange on the back of my neck for rejuvenation
  • Diffusing Balance, Purify, or Elevation in the air
  • Rubbing Lavender or Roman Chamomile on the back of my neck for relaxation
  • Inhaling, diffusing, or rubbing Clary Sage on my skin - love the scent of this oil, probably because it reminds me of Norah's birth.
  • Adding 3 drops of Lemon to my water (make sure to use a glass container).
  • Something I've been wanting to try: oil pulling with sesame oil and a drop of OnGuard.

• Taking a shower.  Mmmkay, time to shift expectations.  Gone are the days of long, luxurious 30-minute showers that use all the hot water.  What's realistic now is a few minutes of hot water pouring down on me, but afterwards I'm clean and feel much better.  Most of the time, I'm rushing to dry off to pick up a crying baby or barely get my clean clothes on before someone wakes up, but it's a step in the right direction.
• Getting dressed in "real" clothes.  Yoga pants are practically a uniform for moms of small children, amen?   I ain't ashamed to wear them.  However, I feel a bit better when I actually get dressed in something that resembles "real" clothes - lately I've been loving the Threads 4 Thought skirts you can get at Whole Foods along with a tank top.  I have 3 of them, and they're made of super comfy t-shirt material (I'm wearing the Hanover skirt as I type this).   And they're great for a postpartum mama who still can't fit into some of her "transition" clothes from the last pregnancy.
• Eating well and often.  I've been trying to stick to healthy meats, tons of veggies, some fruit, and healthy fats, skipping the grains except for our Sunday suppers each weekend when I know I'll get to have noodles, homemade pasta or pizza or something deliciously carb-laden.  I just feel better physically and emotionally limiting/eliminating the grains, dairy, and refined sugars.  I've also been trying to have more healthy snacks around.  I recently tried Sara Snow's Energy Sustaining Breakfast Bars.  They're great to grab when you need a little snack, although I don't love the chewy texture from the chia seeds.  I'll probably use flax seeds next time.

• Smoothies everyday.  We usually end up making a smoothie everyday in some form or fashion.  If it's a green smoothie day, it's a great way to get my 3-year-old to actually eat some greens.  Lately, I also add some Zija Prime90 protein powder.  I've tried so many different protein powders, and this is the best-tasting one I've ever had, hands down.  It's mostly protein from the amazing moringa plant.

• Skin dry brushing.  This is my new favorite healthy habit.  Skin dry brushing is a simple, quick way to cleanse and get the lymphatic system moving.  I bought this Yerba Prima skin brush on Amazon and take about 3-5 minutes to brush my skin before I take a shower.  It feels so good, especially behind the knees for some reason (there are lymph nodes there, right?).  I feel totally rejuvenated afterwards, and my skin already feels softer and tighter.  This is a great tutorial on how to do it effectively.

And then there are those crazy days when you got in zero self-care, no matter how hard you try.  So you end up at "happy hour" at your friend's house at 5pm.  While your kids play together, you drink a glass of red wine and color unicorns and rainbows in your friend's kid's coloring book.  And that's okay too.

"When the kids were young..."

"Though childhood slips like sand through a sieve…
And all too soon they’ve up and grown,
and then they’ve flown…
And it’s too late for you to give..."
~ Mary Poppins

One day Steven and I will sit around talking about "when the kids were young" or "when we had little ones in the house."  Onesies will be gone for good, diapers will be a burden of the past, and we'll wish we had puzzle pieces and crayons and Sophie The Giraffe toys to pick up off the floor before going to bed.  The days of when we had small children will all be one big, beautiful memory, their childhoods already created.

Lately, this has been weighing so heavily on me.  Probably because Norah is {most likely} my last baby, I find myself feeling differently this time around.  Although it seems like our family is rounded out with two children, I still have that sad feeling that my childbearing years might be over, and this is the last time I'll have an infant in my arms. 

This is what one of my favorite authors, Sarah Bessey, calls "The Ache."  I can barely get through that entire post, because it touches the pit of my soul.  She says,

"It’s simply the Ache of time passing, because this is what time does, and our souls are noticing the passing of a season, and it’s okay. It’s okay to let it Ache. It means we’re living and it means we’re loving our life as it stands, loving it enough to notice a transition away."

Yes, I love this enough to notice that it will be gone.  Sigh.

So this time, I don't really care when Norah wakes up in the middle of the night not the least bit sleepy and looks up at me with her big, chubby, jolly smile.  This time, I get her out of her bassinet and play with her for awhile and realize that sleep can wait.  This time, I don't read tons of books on my Kindle or check my phone while I'm nursing.  I mostly just look down at her and try to memorize every detail of a sleepy, milk-drunk, contented baby, and I praise God for the ability to feed and nourish and comfort two girls in this way. 

I don't feel weird about taking a million pictures of my children.  I look back at all the photos I have of Luci Belle as a toddler and can't believe those toddler years are already gone.  I'm thankful beyond words to have so many frozen moments.

My goal as a parent is to give my children "roots and wings" and raise them to be healthy, self-assured women who hopefully love and serve the Lord.   Still, one day everything will be quiet here, and I can hardly bear to think of it. 

But today, sweet today, I still have two little ones at home.  As long and hard as the days can be, and as frustrated and wrung-out and beyond-tired I can become, I cling to the reality that I've been given a chance to be a mother, and I love this calling.  I will try to mother them the best I can, hold their childhoods in my hands as the precious commodity they are, and not let others make me feel guilty about seeing these little years as a blessing.

I will put down my fork and leave the dinner table on Thanksgiving to capture a photo of my carefree 3-year-old.  And twenty years from now, we'll look back on this image together and remember that she was a child who loved to dance in sunbeams.

"Comparison is {still} the thief of joy."

Image source: howjoyful.com

When I first heard the quote, "Comparison is the thief of joy," it impacted me so.   During my first pregnancy, I wrote about it here, a post which has somehow become the most popular one on this site.  I suppose we're all yearning for more joy and realizing how much comparison cripples us.

But no matter how much I know this quote is true, it seems that comparison is still a problem for me, and now in a totally new way - comparing myself to myself.

And that's exactly what I've been doing lately.  At age 36, I'm compelled to look back to my 20s, or even who I was five years ago.  In so many ways I love who I am now more, but the comparisons to the "past versions of me" keep coming...

Back when I had less wrinkles...

Back when I was skinnier...

Back when I could wear those jeans...

Back when I had the ability and time to work out everyday...

Back when I was able to be more present in others' lives...

Comparing myself to myself rather than to others almost seems more deadly, because it tends to be an internal battle. It doesn't involve another person, so it can be kept secret, just simmering beneath the surface until it explodes.  Unfortunately it usually explodes in front of my husband, God bless him.

I see again and again how the comparison saps my joy.  I may have been those things once, and I may or may not be those things again.  But either way, it does not define my today.  My joy should come from where the Lord has me in this moment.  So, this is something I'm really working on.  If you've struggled with the same thing, I'd love to know your thoughts.

Lack of sleep, caked eyeliner, and embarrassing parking lot moments.

Signs you're a mom of two little ones...

...you look in the mirror for the first time of the day at 1:43 pm and actually scare yourself.  What the??  Your hair looks like you attempted the "sexy messy look" but grossly missed the mark, and the already cavernous dark circles under your eyes are caked with yesterday's eyeliner.  The best part is that after the initial shock, you simply shrug your shoulders and go on with your day.  After all, what can be done at this point?

...while standing in the kitchen with a baby perched on your shoulder, you don't think twice about gnawing on the cold, spongy crust of your daughter's pizza from yesterday's lunch.  And yes, you actually saved a pizza box with only crust in it.

...yesterday after finishing grocery shopping and getting everyone buckled in the car, your little one starts screaming.  Baby girl is hungry and can't wait another minute.  You unbuckle her and bring her into the front seat to nurse her before you head home, and almost immediately your 3-year-old announces that she suddenly has to go potty right now.  Poo-poo.  You beg your big girl to hold it until you finish nursing the baby, then get everyone out of the car and carry your 13-pound 2-month-old in one arm while you hold your older daughter's hand to rush her to the bathroom.  You then perform a feat of mythic proportions as you help your daughter get on and off the potty, wipe her bottom, and pull her jeans back on and button them, all with one hand.  

...you're sure you just put a massive, jumbo-sized package of wipes in your diaper bag and that's why it feels like you're carrying around a boulder all the time.  Still, every time there's a blowout diaper or carsickness episode, the wipes mysteriously seem to be down to the last three measly ones in the package.  

...you actually feel like you "got a lot of sleep last night" if you slept more than 3 hours at a time, and you feel a little less like you just got punched in the face.

...you meet two kind moms at the park, and as they're introducing their children to you, you suddenly panic because you can't find your oldest daughter on the playground.  You interrupt the mom who's talking and start calling for your daughter very loudly with a crazy voice.  When your daughter quietly replies, "I'm right here, Mommy," you realize she is literally standing three feet away from you - in front of you - playing in the sandbox.  The other two moms stare back at you with a mixture of sympathy, understanding, and amusement.

...you suddenly notice that the tank top you've been wearing for the last two days is so old and threadbare that it's become see-through at the precise spot of your cleavage. And there are spit-up stains on the shoulder.  And you're leaking milk.  Consider the park moms quite impressed.

~ ~ ~

 Many people told me "the transition from 1 to 2 kids is the hardest..." and now I see why.  I keep reminding myself that I used to be able to have a coherent conversation and stay on top of tasks to be done at all my former jobs.  Really, I did.  Now, I hardly ever have clean clothes, can barely plan what's for dinner much less what we're doing next week, and seem to be frazzled every time I attempt to run a simple errand.  As another blogger so aptly put it, I'm "having a baby year."  Ohhhh, so that's what you call this. 

Being a mother of little ones drives me to Christ daily, both in feelings of overwhelming gratitude and staggering inadequacy.  I couldn't possibly be more thankful for my two daughters, for these two precious lives entrusted to me.  I'm also human, and it's hard work...so hard that it sucks every ounce of patience and energy from my bones sometimes.  But I also think that's how it's supposed to be.  A new human has entered the world, and that requires an adjustment to make room for another invaluable life.

So let's be kind and graceful to each other, mamas.  We're fighting noble battles out here.